Ahh lists, a staple of comedy... of course the problem I’m having right now is what I would call my list, I’d say it was New Rules but Bill Maher has that fucking phrase copyrighted and as my as I’d love to refer to this as a list of people who ought to be killed I couldn’t bring myself to even attempt to match the brilliance of comedy that George Carlin brought to us, even though he’s dead and therefore can’t do shit about it. So I’m just going to call this a list of things about the human race that need to change or just go away... title pending.
1. People over 21 who ride skateboards: I saw one of these people today while I was out and about, riding about the streets like it was cool... he had a bald patch. I’m sorry but unless you’re a professional skateboarder and you’re doing it for sport you have to hand in the skateboard, it’s a kids toy. I can buy it in Kmart right beside the stuffed toy Winnie The Poohs, you’re in the wrong age range and you need to try more grown up forms of transport.
2. Teenage males who think they’re rappers: Who hasn’t seen one of these idiots? Usually they’re annoying white teenagers with their pants halfway down their asses thinking that they’re cool... they’re not, they look like they ride the special bus. If you aren’t able to dress yourself properly you shouldn’t be allowed in public. And please guys do me a favour, talk like and actual fucking teenager and not Vanilla Ice OK? If I hear another teenage kid say Yo I’m going to punch him in the face yo’ hear?
3. Fashion Designers: If there was ever a more pointless idea than fashion I haven’t heard of it. You know what fashion is? It’s whatever the people who make the clothes say it is. They tell you it’s fashionable, you believe them, you buy what they tell you too and they up the prices by 40% in hopes of making money... and it works, it actually fucking works. You’d think that maybe someone would have realised that it’s all a marketing scam when David Jones sponsored their first fashion show but no, people still buy whatever they’re told and mock those that don’t. And they end up wearing the stupidest things I’ve seen in my life, honestly will people buy anything a supermodel tells them... why am I even asking, of course they will.
4. Guys who wear denim shorts: Again I saw this today and... oh I’ll say it, if you’re a guy and you’re doing this you’re gay. I don’t mean that as a derogatory term, I just mean you are a homosexual, no man can look masculine in a slightly longer pair of Daisy Dukes. Now I’m not saying you need to go away, I’m just telling you right now that this particular item of clothing is only acceptable during Mardi Gras
5. Anyone who shows their bellybutton and get’s upset when people stare: People are perverts, you’re giving them all a cheap perve when you wear something skimpy so if anyone looks at you for a while then you brought it on... and no I’m not saying they’re asking for (Insert sexual act here), no one is asking to be molested/raped/groped... I’m merely saying perving will happen and you’re going to need to live with it.
6. People who get offended when you look at them: I’ve actually been threatened by someone who thought I was looking at them... at the time I had my Ipod on, they were yelling from behind me repeatedly and they were approaching me and gesturing, how am I not supposed to look? Sometimes you’re going to do something stupid and I’m going to stop and look at you, grow up and calm down.
7. Anyone who get’s offended by the phrase “Your Mother”: You hear this one all the time in high schools, some 17 year old says “I fucked your mother” and a fight breaks out. But really think about it for a minute, usually the guy who says it is so annoying no woman would touch them willingly and you know your mother would never touch them. Even funnier is that most of the time this insult is used it’s used against 16-21 year olds, all of whom usually live in the same house as the mother in question. When I first heard this I realised this guy meant he had broken into my house without waking my dog, snuck through it in pitch black past my room to my mother who was in bed with my father, somehow fucked her without waking my father or anyone in the house, got out again past my room and without waking the dog, then left the house without leaving a trace... I explained this to the idiot that said it and they said “Yeah I’m that good”... someone just kill these people.
8. Anyone who asks me what sports team I like: The answer is none, and even if I had a team I am not going to tell you because honestly you look like a sociopath and I don’t know if you’re going to be violent to me or not.
9. Justin Bieber Fans: GET A FUCKING LIFE... and some taste in music but go with the life thing first.
10. Twilight Fans: GET A FUCKING LIFE... and some taste in literature but... actually skip the life, just start reading actually good books I beg of you
11. Anyone who demands an apology for a joke: I’ve seen this in Australia so often it scares me, First there was the Chaser boys who not only had to apologise for a sketch they did called “Make a Realistic Wish Foundation” but their show was pulled for 2 weeks and they became public enemy number one. Not only did the Prime Minister attack them (Without ever seeing the sketch) but I actually heard a woman on the news saying they should be shot... for a joke, GROW UP! Then there was Magda Szubanski making a joke about cyclists on Good News Week and sure enough cyclists got enraged, one even calling it terrorism (I’m not making that up, I’m not that fucking creative) and she ended up apologising... twice. Or how about when Robin Williams referred to aussies as English Rednecks... again the Prime Minister commented on it. Honestly people LEARN TO TAKE A JOKE! The amount of time people spend being offended by a joke is way longer than the joke itself stays in our memory. It’s a joke, normally they last for about 5 seconds at the most and then that’s it, they’re gone and we move on.
I’m not saying you can’t be offended by a joke, quite the contrary. Be offended but remember that someone else laughed and you shouldn’t try and make them feel bad for having a different sense of humour. I’m offended by everything on this list, and I’m making jokes about them and some might offend you and you’re entitled to that... but I’m not apologising, no one should for something that’s purely and simply a joke.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Will You Marry Me... in one of the states where it’s legal?
Ahh Gay Marriage, the debate that’s divided the people in almost half. On the majority side we had the enlightened, those that are intelligent enough to realise that two guys getting married wouldn’t even slightly change their view of marriage. On the minority side we have stupid religious fuckwads who believe that their god had the right definition of marriage and that we can never ever change the definition... guess which side’s winning?
Yes sadly for some reason it’s the stupid people making laws that any sane person could see the flaws in without even trying. You don’t even need to have a PHd to destroy every anti-Gay marriage argument, you just need common sense.
To be honest I’ve never understood homophobia at all, or racism for that matter. Hating someone for one unchangeable characteristic that doesn’t affect you in the slightest always seemed to be petty to me. When I hate someone (And believe me I can hate people) It’s usually because they’ve done something that is interfering with my life or is something that they could change if they wanted to, they just choose not to. Those are both fine reasons to hate someone... but for something they can’t change? I don’t think so.
And I know for a fact some people are inevitably going to argue that Gays could change if they wanted to... to quote the late great George Carlin “Some people are really fucking stupid”. If gay people could change then there wouldn’t be any at all, who the hell would stay as an oppressed minority if they have the ability to change into part of the powerful majority? No one chooses to be in a minority, it happens by chance and no one has ever been able to prove otherwise. Everyone who’s ever gone through those Gay Rehab things comes out either still gay, back in the closet or dead. You can’t change it and why should they? What has a gay man ever done to you? Hell a gay man probably did your hair! He probably designed the outfit you’re wearing right now, why would you be against that?
So why do so many idiots believe these crazy lies about gay marriage? Well it just so happens I have a little list of some of the reasons I’ve heard in my life from people who are against gay marriage and I would like to debunk every last one of them right here right now.
1. Kids Need a mom and dad: This is easily the most popular one, it comes in many variations and flavours but it all boils down to the misinformed idea that children of gay parents will turn out wrong. Even if we ignore the fact that almost every study done on gay parents shows that they are just as good as straight parents you can’t ignore one basic fact... Kids aren’t a part of marriage. They never have been, there is no marriage law anywhere on the face of the earth that states that a married couple must have kids. Kids are optional, you don’t have to have one. No one got their marriage licence revoked because they chose not to have kids. Infertile people can get married, no one stops them. If you want to stop gays having kids then you’re in the wrong debate, you want to be in Gay adoption... you’re still an idiot but at least you’re an idiot in the correct argument.
2. Marriage is a holy bond between man and woman: Oh how nice, you want to bring holiness into this argument... here is my counter argument, atheists can get married. Find me someone who’s more anti-religion than an atheist... you’ll never pull it off and yet us atheists are able to get married whenever we want, the law permits it. See this isn’t about the religious aspect of marriage, that’s personal and it differs from person to person. This should be about the LEGAL aspect of it and that’s it. Now if a church doesn’t want to be involved in a gay marriage I’m all for that, they should have the right to do so without fear of a lawsuit. Honestly I don’t know why any gay person would want to get married in a church anyway, hire a hall, decorate it with purple silk curtains and some bright lavender lilies and you got yourself a damn fine wedding.
3. Gay Marriage will lead to bestiality and polygamy: No it won’t... we done? Gay marriage is not a gateway drug, it doesn’t lead to farmers marrying their horses. The idea behind this seems to be if we deviate from the man-woman marriage scenario for this group we’ll have to do it for everyone and that’s simply not true. In order for a marriage to be legal both parties must consent and the only animal I know of that could legally consent is Mr Ed... and he’s glue now so this is a non issue. As for Polygamy, while I am stating outright that it won’t suddenly be legalised I fail to see the problem with it being legal. I mean all parties consented, all parties love each other, what exactly is the problem? If you and your partner are consenting adults I don’t care what you do, provided you consent.
4. Kids will be taught that “Gay is OK”: GOOD! I hope they do. For every gay teen that’s told that it’s OK to be gay you know what we get? One less dead teen. Think how many kids kill themselves each year because someone told them that the way they were born isn’t ok. Now think that we could stop all that death just by letting those kids know that they’re perfectly normal.
5. It’s not natural: Usually this one is trotted out randomly by people trying to make it seem like being gay is a new thing, some strange mutation. Of course they ignore the simple fact that their idea of normality is either religion based or based on the statistics of the majority. If it’s religion based then it’s meaningless, religion has no place in a secular legal system. If it’s based on percentage of the majority then we can also say Red Heads, Jews, Men, Children and people who like Pauly Shore movies aren’t normal... OK I might give them the Pauly Shore one. The last time I saw footage of someone treating a minority group with such disdain was in a black and white film that was hard to understand because it was in German.
These are usually the top 5 reasons any anti-gay marriage person will give to try and say why it’s not OK, and somehow they refuse to admit they’re homophobic. Let me make this crystal clear, if you oppose Same Sex Marriage then you are a homophobe, you’re not trying to protect marriage or children, you are simply a homophobe. There is no way you can get around that simple fact, if you are willing to take away the rights of a group of people then you are nothing more than a lowly hater, no better than the Fred Phelps’ of this world.
“If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same sex.” ~Wanda Sykes
Yes sadly for some reason it’s the stupid people making laws that any sane person could see the flaws in without even trying. You don’t even need to have a PHd to destroy every anti-Gay marriage argument, you just need common sense.
To be honest I’ve never understood homophobia at all, or racism for that matter. Hating someone for one unchangeable characteristic that doesn’t affect you in the slightest always seemed to be petty to me. When I hate someone (And believe me I can hate people) It’s usually because they’ve done something that is interfering with my life or is something that they could change if they wanted to, they just choose not to. Those are both fine reasons to hate someone... but for something they can’t change? I don’t think so.
And I know for a fact some people are inevitably going to argue that Gays could change if they wanted to... to quote the late great George Carlin “Some people are really fucking stupid”. If gay people could change then there wouldn’t be any at all, who the hell would stay as an oppressed minority if they have the ability to change into part of the powerful majority? No one chooses to be in a minority, it happens by chance and no one has ever been able to prove otherwise. Everyone who’s ever gone through those Gay Rehab things comes out either still gay, back in the closet or dead. You can’t change it and why should they? What has a gay man ever done to you? Hell a gay man probably did your hair! He probably designed the outfit you’re wearing right now, why would you be against that?
So why do so many idiots believe these crazy lies about gay marriage? Well it just so happens I have a little list of some of the reasons I’ve heard in my life from people who are against gay marriage and I would like to debunk every last one of them right here right now.
1. Kids Need a mom and dad: This is easily the most popular one, it comes in many variations and flavours but it all boils down to the misinformed idea that children of gay parents will turn out wrong. Even if we ignore the fact that almost every study done on gay parents shows that they are just as good as straight parents you can’t ignore one basic fact... Kids aren’t a part of marriage. They never have been, there is no marriage law anywhere on the face of the earth that states that a married couple must have kids. Kids are optional, you don’t have to have one. No one got their marriage licence revoked because they chose not to have kids. Infertile people can get married, no one stops them. If you want to stop gays having kids then you’re in the wrong debate, you want to be in Gay adoption... you’re still an idiot but at least you’re an idiot in the correct argument.
2. Marriage is a holy bond between man and woman: Oh how nice, you want to bring holiness into this argument... here is my counter argument, atheists can get married. Find me someone who’s more anti-religion than an atheist... you’ll never pull it off and yet us atheists are able to get married whenever we want, the law permits it. See this isn’t about the religious aspect of marriage, that’s personal and it differs from person to person. This should be about the LEGAL aspect of it and that’s it. Now if a church doesn’t want to be involved in a gay marriage I’m all for that, they should have the right to do so without fear of a lawsuit. Honestly I don’t know why any gay person would want to get married in a church anyway, hire a hall, decorate it with purple silk curtains and some bright lavender lilies and you got yourself a damn fine wedding.
3. Gay Marriage will lead to bestiality and polygamy: No it won’t... we done? Gay marriage is not a gateway drug, it doesn’t lead to farmers marrying their horses. The idea behind this seems to be if we deviate from the man-woman marriage scenario for this group we’ll have to do it for everyone and that’s simply not true. In order for a marriage to be legal both parties must consent and the only animal I know of that could legally consent is Mr Ed... and he’s glue now so this is a non issue. As for Polygamy, while I am stating outright that it won’t suddenly be legalised I fail to see the problem with it being legal. I mean all parties consented, all parties love each other, what exactly is the problem? If you and your partner are consenting adults I don’t care what you do, provided you consent.
4. Kids will be taught that “Gay is OK”: GOOD! I hope they do. For every gay teen that’s told that it’s OK to be gay you know what we get? One less dead teen. Think how many kids kill themselves each year because someone told them that the way they were born isn’t ok. Now think that we could stop all that death just by letting those kids know that they’re perfectly normal.
5. It’s not natural: Usually this one is trotted out randomly by people trying to make it seem like being gay is a new thing, some strange mutation. Of course they ignore the simple fact that their idea of normality is either religion based or based on the statistics of the majority. If it’s religion based then it’s meaningless, religion has no place in a secular legal system. If it’s based on percentage of the majority then we can also say Red Heads, Jews, Men, Children and people who like Pauly Shore movies aren’t normal... OK I might give them the Pauly Shore one. The last time I saw footage of someone treating a minority group with such disdain was in a black and white film that was hard to understand because it was in German.
These are usually the top 5 reasons any anti-gay marriage person will give to try and say why it’s not OK, and somehow they refuse to admit they’re homophobic. Let me make this crystal clear, if you oppose Same Sex Marriage then you are a homophobe, you’re not trying to protect marriage or children, you are simply a homophobe. There is no way you can get around that simple fact, if you are willing to take away the rights of a group of people then you are nothing more than a lowly hater, no better than the Fred Phelps’ of this world.
“If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same sex.” ~Wanda Sykes
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Spencer Pratt Must Die!
OK maybe not die but at least get out of the Hollywood system. This goes for Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Jon, Kate, Plus 8, The Kardashians and everyone else who became famous by literally doing nothing.
Yes these sad sad abominations on the term celebrity are famous for appearing on Reality TV shows... THAT THEY HELPED CREATE! Seriously every one of them just walked into a studio one day, said “Hey my life’s wacky and interesting, point a camera at me” and the studios, always looking for cheap whores to help them raise a few bucks, were more than happy to provide them with 15 minutes of fame... to date, this has been the longest 15 minutes of my fucking life!
Now I know full well I don’t have to watch their shows and for the record I don’t. I have this thing with entertainment, I like it to be entertaining and I would really like it if they got actually talented people to do it. Hell I’d rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly than sit through 5 minutes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, but they don’t stop at the end of their timeslot. These assholes infect real shows and real celebrities, AND NO ONES STOPPING THEM!!! They treat them like they’re actually acting, like there’s something special about going to the store and buying a carton of milk... guess what? THERE’S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THAT!!!
By even existing in the Hollywood system they’re taking away job opportunities for actual actors and do you know how many struggling actors there are out there desperate for work? Go to any restaurant, I’ll guarantee you 85% of the wait staff has a headshot and a CV and is just waiting for that big break. These people actually have the ability to act, to create a character, to make you believe that a strange new world exists just beyond the glass of your TV set... Kate Gosselin changes shitty diapers and buys groceries, someone get her an Emmy.
So what’s my beef with reality TV? It never just stops at reality TV, they somehow infect real TV.
Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and Kimberly Kardashian all got a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother. How the hell did they pull that off? How I Met Your Mother is a good show with great actors and is actually entertaining and somehow these showbiz rapists managed to weasel their way into a guest spot. Was central casting closed that week? Did Spencer turn up, blow all the executives and insist Heidi and Kimberly got jobs with him? Did someone lose a bet? Well no, the joke was that the covers of magazines came to life and talk to Marshall as he’s heading to the bathroom, and these reality show losers were on a lot of covers at the time so they were the natural choice... WHY WERE THEY ON MAGAZINE COVERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? I don’t get it; I seriously don’t get the fascination with them. Maybe I just have too many brain cells remaining in my head.
How about Lauren Conrad? She voiced herself on an episode of Family Guy... what a fucking stretch. She couldn’t even play someone with a different fucking name, they just tried to make her sound smart and go with it. I’m sorry but making a reality star sound smart is a little like making Hitler sound like a Jew, it will never fucking work. I guess part of the blame could go to the family Guy writing staff but they write jokes based on what’s popular, it’s filled with pop culture references and right now reality TV is as pop culture as it gets. They were simply following their usual method of getting laughs and making a show... plus they are talented, they do things that these reality show hacks couldn’t do in a lifetime. Hell I bet half of them couldn’t even write a single joke that would make a child laugh.
All of these people could graciously hold their over-botoxed heads high on any list of the worst Reality offenders but without a doubt the worst offenders of this assault on celebrity is Jon and Kate.
First off we’ve all seen parents; there are no real surprises there. Take the kids out for a daytrip, take them shopping, change diaper, rinse, repeat. This is not a complex formula, how the hell did it manage to last so long? 6 full fucking seasons, 108 fucking episodes, 3 fucking years... there are so many quality TV shows that would kill for a run like that... maybe they should.
I actually watched an episode of this show and when I say watched I mean I was tied to a chair, my eyelids held open Clockwork Orange style and it was projected on the wall while I was forced against my will to watc. After going through this treatment every time I see the number eight I vomit. What the hell do these people do? They raise their kids, big fucking skill. If those kids had been in the circus and juggled chainsaws I might see the interest but no, nothing.
What’s worse is somehow they became worthy of celebrity status among other celebrities! To date Kate has been on Dancing With The Stars (I’m guessing the words stars is being used much much looser nowadays) and she appeared in the opening sketch at the 2010 Emmy’s. That one just hurt, I hoped that maybe I could watch the Emmy’s, enjoy actual stars and then go make a sandwich during the reality TV section but NOOOO, SHE GOT HER GOSSELIN IN MY GLEE!!! Now to be fair she was game to sing and dance on a stage, I give her a little credit for that... but not much.
The worst moment though, and it will haunt me for years to come, was watching Entertainment Tonight and seeing reporters asking actual celebrities on an actual red carpet what they thought about Kate Gosselin’s new haircut... I’m going to let that sink in because even I didn’t believe it when I watched it. I had to stay up till midnight for the daily rerun and record it and play back that minute and a half from hell over and over again just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t,they were showing celebrities on the red carper a copy of People Magazine who had done a front page story on Kate Gosselin’s new haircut and the celebrites were being asked what they thought about Kate’s new hairdo... next week they’re going to show Tila tequila getting a pap smear and Julia Roberts is going to give pointers. I mean seriously no one cares when actual celebrities get a haircut, why the fuck would anyone care that a no talent celeb like Kate got 4 inches cut off unless she went all Lorena Bobbit on Jon!
And guess what? Even Jon managed to hit the tabloids when he started going out after he divorced Kate. I’m sorry but I have to scream NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! I’ve consulted everyone and we’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a single person on the face of the earth that cares if Jon is managing to move on from his failed marriage. If anything we’re confused, we’ve seen pictures of Jon recently and we’re wondering what blind desperate dateless bimbo out there would touch him without demanding cash in advance let alone actually date him.
Why do we let these people become stars? We’re responsible for it you know, we watch this shit and yet we hate it. I’ve never met a single person who can honestly say they like watching these shows, they watch it because there’s nothing better on... well maybe if they watched actual scripted television there would be something better on!
And this isn’t to say I hate all reality TV shows, some can be good. I kinda like Biggest Loser, not because it’s entertaining but because damnit I need fitness tips and that’s a good place to start. I like watching Idol or X Factor because those shows are actually finding talented people who can actually perform. I’ve fallen in love with Scream Queens, as someone who wanted to be an actor it’s nice to see a contest where there’s a chance to be an actual movie star IF YOU HAVE THE TALENT! That’s all I’m asking for, actual talent on TV shows. Yes it’s more expensive for networks to put on scripted television, Big Brother might cost a little over a million buck but they get hundreds of episodes of TV for that investment and can sell advertising space at insane prices, it’s a fantastic investment and a simple way to make money... but that doesn’t make it suck any less.
I used to hope that if you had talent and worked hard that eventually someone would notice and give you a break... now I just have to hope that the next season of Big Brother lets me in the house so I can get those promised 15 minutes of fame... failing that, I’ll get a banana and start working on my blowjob technique, at this point I’m game for anything.
Yes these sad sad abominations on the term celebrity are famous for appearing on Reality TV shows... THAT THEY HELPED CREATE! Seriously every one of them just walked into a studio one day, said “Hey my life’s wacky and interesting, point a camera at me” and the studios, always looking for cheap whores to help them raise a few bucks, were more than happy to provide them with 15 minutes of fame... to date, this has been the longest 15 minutes of my fucking life!
Now I know full well I don’t have to watch their shows and for the record I don’t. I have this thing with entertainment, I like it to be entertaining and I would really like it if they got actually talented people to do it. Hell I’d rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly than sit through 5 minutes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, but they don’t stop at the end of their timeslot. These assholes infect real shows and real celebrities, AND NO ONES STOPPING THEM!!! They treat them like they’re actually acting, like there’s something special about going to the store and buying a carton of milk... guess what? THERE’S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THAT!!!
By even existing in the Hollywood system they’re taking away job opportunities for actual actors and do you know how many struggling actors there are out there desperate for work? Go to any restaurant, I’ll guarantee you 85% of the wait staff has a headshot and a CV and is just waiting for that big break. These people actually have the ability to act, to create a character, to make you believe that a strange new world exists just beyond the glass of your TV set... Kate Gosselin changes shitty diapers and buys groceries, someone get her an Emmy.
So what’s my beef with reality TV? It never just stops at reality TV, they somehow infect real TV.
Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and Kimberly Kardashian all got a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother. How the hell did they pull that off? How I Met Your Mother is a good show with great actors and is actually entertaining and somehow these showbiz rapists managed to weasel their way into a guest spot. Was central casting closed that week? Did Spencer turn up, blow all the executives and insist Heidi and Kimberly got jobs with him? Did someone lose a bet? Well no, the joke was that the covers of magazines came to life and talk to Marshall as he’s heading to the bathroom, and these reality show losers were on a lot of covers at the time so they were the natural choice... WHY WERE THEY ON MAGAZINE COVERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? I don’t get it; I seriously don’t get the fascination with them. Maybe I just have too many brain cells remaining in my head.
How about Lauren Conrad? She voiced herself on an episode of Family Guy... what a fucking stretch. She couldn’t even play someone with a different fucking name, they just tried to make her sound smart and go with it. I’m sorry but making a reality star sound smart is a little like making Hitler sound like a Jew, it will never fucking work. I guess part of the blame could go to the family Guy writing staff but they write jokes based on what’s popular, it’s filled with pop culture references and right now reality TV is as pop culture as it gets. They were simply following their usual method of getting laughs and making a show... plus they are talented, they do things that these reality show hacks couldn’t do in a lifetime. Hell I bet half of them couldn’t even write a single joke that would make a child laugh.
All of these people could graciously hold their over-botoxed heads high on any list of the worst Reality offenders but without a doubt the worst offenders of this assault on celebrity is Jon and Kate.
First off we’ve all seen parents; there are no real surprises there. Take the kids out for a daytrip, take them shopping, change diaper, rinse, repeat. This is not a complex formula, how the hell did it manage to last so long? 6 full fucking seasons, 108 fucking episodes, 3 fucking years... there are so many quality TV shows that would kill for a run like that... maybe they should.
I actually watched an episode of this show and when I say watched I mean I was tied to a chair, my eyelids held open Clockwork Orange style and it was projected on the wall while I was forced against my will to watc. After going through this treatment every time I see the number eight I vomit. What the hell do these people do? They raise their kids, big fucking skill. If those kids had been in the circus and juggled chainsaws I might see the interest but no, nothing.
What’s worse is somehow they became worthy of celebrity status among other celebrities! To date Kate has been on Dancing With The Stars (I’m guessing the words stars is being used much much looser nowadays) and she appeared in the opening sketch at the 2010 Emmy’s. That one just hurt, I hoped that maybe I could watch the Emmy’s, enjoy actual stars and then go make a sandwich during the reality TV section but NOOOO, SHE GOT HER GOSSELIN IN MY GLEE!!! Now to be fair she was game to sing and dance on a stage, I give her a little credit for that... but not much.
The worst moment though, and it will haunt me for years to come, was watching Entertainment Tonight and seeing reporters asking actual celebrities on an actual red carpet what they thought about Kate Gosselin’s new haircut... I’m going to let that sink in because even I didn’t believe it when I watched it. I had to stay up till midnight for the daily rerun and record it and play back that minute and a half from hell over and over again just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t,they were showing celebrities on the red carper a copy of People Magazine who had done a front page story on Kate Gosselin’s new haircut and the celebrites were being asked what they thought about Kate’s new hairdo... next week they’re going to show Tila tequila getting a pap smear and Julia Roberts is going to give pointers. I mean seriously no one cares when actual celebrities get a haircut, why the fuck would anyone care that a no talent celeb like Kate got 4 inches cut off unless she went all Lorena Bobbit on Jon!
And guess what? Even Jon managed to hit the tabloids when he started going out after he divorced Kate. I’m sorry but I have to scream NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! I’ve consulted everyone and we’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a single person on the face of the earth that cares if Jon is managing to move on from his failed marriage. If anything we’re confused, we’ve seen pictures of Jon recently and we’re wondering what blind desperate dateless bimbo out there would touch him without demanding cash in advance let alone actually date him.
Why do we let these people become stars? We’re responsible for it you know, we watch this shit and yet we hate it. I’ve never met a single person who can honestly say they like watching these shows, they watch it because there’s nothing better on... well maybe if they watched actual scripted television there would be something better on!
And this isn’t to say I hate all reality TV shows, some can be good. I kinda like Biggest Loser, not because it’s entertaining but because damnit I need fitness tips and that’s a good place to start. I like watching Idol or X Factor because those shows are actually finding talented people who can actually perform. I’ve fallen in love with Scream Queens, as someone who wanted to be an actor it’s nice to see a contest where there’s a chance to be an actual movie star IF YOU HAVE THE TALENT! That’s all I’m asking for, actual talent on TV shows. Yes it’s more expensive for networks to put on scripted television, Big Brother might cost a little over a million buck but they get hundreds of episodes of TV for that investment and can sell advertising space at insane prices, it’s a fantastic investment and a simple way to make money... but that doesn’t make it suck any less.
I used to hope that if you had talent and worked hard that eventually someone would notice and give you a break... now I just have to hope that the next season of Big Brother lets me in the house so I can get those promised 15 minutes of fame... failing that, I’ll get a banana and start working on my blowjob technique, at this point I’m game for anything.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Where's My Unicorn?
Recently on IMDB I issued a man a challenge. Pray for a Unicorn to appear on my front lawn and I will not only convert to Christianity but I will donate everything that I own to a church of his choice.
Obviously I don't have a unicorn because I'm not making millions of dollars a year from tours called "Corny the Unicorn and his Magnificent Horsettes" but it does bring up the question, what is the limit of belief and prayer.
Now I'm an atheist, I don't believe that prayer works at all but I wonder about those who do believe. They pray for strength and happiness and other emotional things, but when they pray for physical goods and don't get them they don't wonder why. I do.
If prayer worked logically you should be able to pray for anything you want, after all God allegedly made a woman into a pillar of salt so he could get me an Xbox360 without even trying.
He allegedly made a man out of dirt and yet he is unable to build me a 20 story mansion with a pool in every room.
He allegedly cursed a man with horrible boils and yet he won't make my penis 4 inches longer just by praying.
It's odd to me that somehow asking for such things sounds silly but let's face it, if you believe in a man that created the universe in 6 days and yet no one created him then asking for a unicorn sounds positively sane in comparison.
I still want my unicorn, so I ask for people to pray for a unicorn to appear upon my lawn. The instant one pops up I will devote my life to the lord, until then forgive me if I find the whole belief thing to be a little bit silly
Obviously I don't have a unicorn because I'm not making millions of dollars a year from tours called "Corny the Unicorn and his Magnificent Horsettes" but it does bring up the question, what is the limit of belief and prayer.
Now I'm an atheist, I don't believe that prayer works at all but I wonder about those who do believe. They pray for strength and happiness and other emotional things, but when they pray for physical goods and don't get them they don't wonder why. I do.
If prayer worked logically you should be able to pray for anything you want, after all God allegedly made a woman into a pillar of salt so he could get me an Xbox360 without even trying.
He allegedly made a man out of dirt and yet he is unable to build me a 20 story mansion with a pool in every room.
He allegedly cursed a man with horrible boils and yet he won't make my penis 4 inches longer just by praying.
It's odd to me that somehow asking for such things sounds silly but let's face it, if you believe in a man that created the universe in 6 days and yet no one created him then asking for a unicorn sounds positively sane in comparison.
I still want my unicorn, so I ask for people to pray for a unicorn to appear upon my lawn. The instant one pops up I will devote my life to the lord, until then forgive me if I find the whole belief thing to be a little bit silly
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Act/Sing, Choose one
When you make it big in the entertainment industry you can either be a singer or an actor, I wanna make a law saying that once you’ve picked one you can’t do the other without first proving you have the actual talent to do it.
Hannah Montana is a teen sensation, she’s got screaming fangirls all over the nation... and she can’t act for crap. Sit through one of her shows and you’ll realise why there’s a laugh track, cos it’s the only way to let people know there’s a joke somewhere in what you said. You know you can’t act when Gilbert Gottfried is the least annoying element of an episode. Now don’t get me wrong, I know she can sing. I may not like her style of music but I’m not going to deny the woman can sing... she just should stick to it rather than trying to earn her SAG card while she’s at it.
Then there’s the Jonas Brothers, 3 brothers with the same name, same haircut and I’m pretty sure the same acting coach. A massive pile of steaming crap. I don’t even know if they can sing, I didn’t hear anything during the one episode I sat through because I was too busy trying to stab my eye’s out with a shrimp fork to make the pain stop. If you can’t act you shouldn’t and I really wish someone had told the Jonas’s that before they infected my eye’s with their attempt to be actors.
Now I know what you might be thinking, these are teenager shows and therefore they don’t have to be good as long as they appeal to kids. Well mysterious debating partner you’re absolutely right, they don’t have to be good actors but man it’d be nice if they were. It’s a general rule of thumb that when a singer act’s in a movie more often than not they’ll suck. Look at Glitter if you need more proof.
Now this isn’t to say that singers can’t act in musicals, hell I applaud those that do because then they’re using their actual talent and distracting me from the pain of watching them act. I would happily pay money to see someone like Kelly Clarkson in a musical just don’t expect me to praise her on her acting.
And don’t think I’m saying that ALL singers can’t act, there are some notable exceptions. Cher won a freaking Oscar for her role in Moonstruck in 1988 so yes she can act. Meatloaf actually refused to sing in any movie after Rocky Horror just to show that he could act, only singing for his cameo appearance in Tenacious D. Justin Timberlake was in Shrek 3 and Southland Tales and was really good in both roles.
There are certainly people who are versatile and can do both, but these people are the minority and just because you can do one doesn’t mean you get to try and do the other automatically. First prove you have the talent then give it a shot.
Hannah Montana is a teen sensation, she’s got screaming fangirls all over the nation... and she can’t act for crap. Sit through one of her shows and you’ll realise why there’s a laugh track, cos it’s the only way to let people know there’s a joke somewhere in what you said. You know you can’t act when Gilbert Gottfried is the least annoying element of an episode. Now don’t get me wrong, I know she can sing. I may not like her style of music but I’m not going to deny the woman can sing... she just should stick to it rather than trying to earn her SAG card while she’s at it.
Then there’s the Jonas Brothers, 3 brothers with the same name, same haircut and I’m pretty sure the same acting coach. A massive pile of steaming crap. I don’t even know if they can sing, I didn’t hear anything during the one episode I sat through because I was too busy trying to stab my eye’s out with a shrimp fork to make the pain stop. If you can’t act you shouldn’t and I really wish someone had told the Jonas’s that before they infected my eye’s with their attempt to be actors.
Now I know what you might be thinking, these are teenager shows and therefore they don’t have to be good as long as they appeal to kids. Well mysterious debating partner you’re absolutely right, they don’t have to be good actors but man it’d be nice if they were. It’s a general rule of thumb that when a singer act’s in a movie more often than not they’ll suck. Look at Glitter if you need more proof.
Now this isn’t to say that singers can’t act in musicals, hell I applaud those that do because then they’re using their actual talent and distracting me from the pain of watching them act. I would happily pay money to see someone like Kelly Clarkson in a musical just don’t expect me to praise her on her acting.
And don’t think I’m saying that ALL singers can’t act, there are some notable exceptions. Cher won a freaking Oscar for her role in Moonstruck in 1988 so yes she can act. Meatloaf actually refused to sing in any movie after Rocky Horror just to show that he could act, only singing for his cameo appearance in Tenacious D. Justin Timberlake was in Shrek 3 and Southland Tales and was really good in both roles.
There are certainly people who are versatile and can do both, but these people are the minority and just because you can do one doesn’t mean you get to try and do the other automatically. First prove you have the talent then give it a shot.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
American Idiot: Take 2
Remakes, rehashings, retellings, redoings.
I have had it up to the hind teeth with America's needless retelling of stories that were told perfectly well the first time. Type in Frankenstein into a IMDB search and you will come up with 16 movies with the title alone, all of them retelling Mary Shelly's original story.
Now I'm not saying I object to all remakes, provided they add something. The Producers was a fantastic little film back in the 60's that was perfect in terms of comedy and story telling, show it to someone today and it will still get a laugh. When they remade it they added musical numbers and made an entirely different movie, characters were taken out and sub plot's put in. I can live with that and I know a lot of people can do because it was a decent retelling and it added something to make it worthwhile.
Psycho however was a gripping movie done by Hitchcock, it was brilliantly made and shot and after the movie ended there didn't need to be any more... until the box office returns came in. What followed was threee pointless sequels and a shot-for-shot remake of the original. Nothing added, nothing gained, what's the fricking point?
Then there's America's fascination with taking shows that worked perfectly when aired overseas and so they insist there be a US version. Kath & Kim was a worldwide success, one of Australia's most beloved programs and one of the few shows we were able to send around the world and have them love. Then America came along, took out all the good parts and vomited out something that was nothing like Kath & Kim and it died in seconds. Then there's Little Britain which was a great little English comedy that again had huge appeal worldwide, but apparently that's not enough. Little Britain USA was born and while it had the same writers and the same actors in it there was something that just felt needless about it. It didn't need to go over to the US, it's called Little BRITAIN and so should be set in Britain. Seems like logic to me. Now there's rumors going around about the US doing their take on Torchwood, a great little BBC series that is like a more cool version of Doctor Who. Why? Why the hell is a US take on a great british tale needed or even wanted.
Now I understand sometimes when the US makes remakes of films that are 30 years old. The latest Friday The 13th remake, while oddly pointless and in my opinion stupid, made some kind of sense because it'd based on a 30 year old movie. I understand trying to reboot a franchise. The remake problem starts however when you remake a film 3 years later, which is what they're doing with Death At A Funeral which in case you're wondering is a film that failed at the box office. It barely made back it's budget during it's release and yet they're going to make it again.
Pardon me for sounding a little petty but what the fuck? Are we out of original ideas already? Has it gotten to the point where originality is a lost art and we're going to end up remaking movies over and over again, making countless sequels that add nothing to the story just to pad the pockets of a few people? This is one of the reasons why there's piracy in the world, maybe if Hollywood (And I specify them because America is where most of the movies and TV we see nowadays comes from) learned some originality then maybe there'd be less people hitting the torrent sites and grabbing the work for free.
Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but flattery will get you nowhere
I have had it up to the hind teeth with America's needless retelling of stories that were told perfectly well the first time. Type in Frankenstein into a IMDB search and you will come up with 16 movies with the title alone, all of them retelling Mary Shelly's original story.
Now I'm not saying I object to all remakes, provided they add something. The Producers was a fantastic little film back in the 60's that was perfect in terms of comedy and story telling, show it to someone today and it will still get a laugh. When they remade it they added musical numbers and made an entirely different movie, characters were taken out and sub plot's put in. I can live with that and I know a lot of people can do because it was a decent retelling and it added something to make it worthwhile.
Psycho however was a gripping movie done by Hitchcock, it was brilliantly made and shot and after the movie ended there didn't need to be any more... until the box office returns came in. What followed was threee pointless sequels and a shot-for-shot remake of the original. Nothing added, nothing gained, what's the fricking point?
Then there's America's fascination with taking shows that worked perfectly when aired overseas and so they insist there be a US version. Kath & Kim was a worldwide success, one of Australia's most beloved programs and one of the few shows we were able to send around the world and have them love. Then America came along, took out all the good parts and vomited out something that was nothing like Kath & Kim and it died in seconds. Then there's Little Britain which was a great little English comedy that again had huge appeal worldwide, but apparently that's not enough. Little Britain USA was born and while it had the same writers and the same actors in it there was something that just felt needless about it. It didn't need to go over to the US, it's called Little BRITAIN and so should be set in Britain. Seems like logic to me. Now there's rumors going around about the US doing their take on Torchwood, a great little BBC series that is like a more cool version of Doctor Who. Why? Why the hell is a US take on a great british tale needed or even wanted.
Now I understand sometimes when the US makes remakes of films that are 30 years old. The latest Friday The 13th remake, while oddly pointless and in my opinion stupid, made some kind of sense because it'd based on a 30 year old movie. I understand trying to reboot a franchise. The remake problem starts however when you remake a film 3 years later, which is what they're doing with Death At A Funeral which in case you're wondering is a film that failed at the box office. It barely made back it's budget during it's release and yet they're going to make it again.
Pardon me for sounding a little petty but what the fuck? Are we out of original ideas already? Has it gotten to the point where originality is a lost art and we're going to end up remaking movies over and over again, making countless sequels that add nothing to the story just to pad the pockets of a few people? This is one of the reasons why there's piracy in the world, maybe if Hollywood (And I specify them because America is where most of the movies and TV we see nowadays comes from) learned some originality then maybe there'd be less people hitting the torrent sites and grabbing the work for free.
Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but flattery will get you nowhere
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Purpose Of This Blog
Everyone has an opinion on things, mines just more logical.
That's pretty much the way everyone thinks nowadays anyway, they know best and you know nothing... well I'm that kind of person. I'm not saying I know everything, I don't know how to make a pecan pie and I honestly don't know why someone looked at a pecan and a pie and thought "I wonder what they'd be like together" but I know what's sane.
That's one of the things we seem to have lost as a people, a sense of sanity as a group. We believe that we can say something stupid and when someone calls us on it then they're a bad guy and possibly a baby-raping crack dealer so who do you wanna believe. How about you believe that little voice in the back of your head that says "Oy dickhead, you're about to lose an eye"?
That's pretty much the way everyone thinks nowadays anyway, they know best and you know nothing... well I'm that kind of person. I'm not saying I know everything, I don't know how to make a pecan pie and I honestly don't know why someone looked at a pecan and a pie and thought "I wonder what they'd be like together" but I know what's sane.
That's one of the things we seem to have lost as a people, a sense of sanity as a group. We believe that we can say something stupid and when someone calls us on it then they're a bad guy and possibly a baby-raping crack dealer so who do you wanna believe. How about you believe that little voice in the back of your head that says "Oy dickhead, you're about to lose an eye"?
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