Spencer Pratt Must Die!

OK maybe not die but at least get out of the Hollywood system. This goes for Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Jon, Kate, Plus 8, The Kardashians and everyone else who became famous by literally doing nothing.

Yes these sad sad abominations on the term celebrity are famous for appearing on Reality TV shows... THAT THEY HELPED CREATE! Seriously every one of them just walked into a studio one day, said “Hey my life’s wacky and interesting, point a camera at me” and the studios, always looking for cheap whores to help them raise a few bucks, were more than happy to provide them with 15 minutes of fame... to date, this has been the longest 15 minutes of my fucking life!

Now I know full well I don’t have to watch their shows and for the record I don’t. I have this thing with entertainment, I like it to be entertaining and I would really like it if they got actually talented people to do it. Hell I’d rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly than sit through 5 minutes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, but they don’t stop at the end of their timeslot. These assholes infect real shows and real celebrities, AND NO ONES STOPPING THEM!!! They treat them like they’re actually acting, like there’s something special about going to the store and buying a carton of milk... guess what? THERE’S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THAT!!!

By even existing in the Hollywood system they’re taking away job opportunities for actual actors and do you know how many struggling actors there are out there desperate for work? Go to any restaurant, I’ll guarantee you 85% of the wait staff has a headshot and a CV and is just waiting for that big break. These people actually have the ability to act, to create a character, to make you believe that a strange new world exists just beyond the glass of your TV set... Kate Gosselin changes shitty diapers and buys groceries, someone get her an Emmy.

So what’s my beef with reality TV? It never just stops at reality TV, they somehow infect real TV.

Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and Kimberly Kardashian all got a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother. How the hell did they pull that off? How I Met Your Mother is a good show with great actors and is actually entertaining and somehow these showbiz rapists managed to weasel their way into a guest spot. Was central casting closed that week? Did Spencer turn up, blow all the executives and insist Heidi and Kimberly got jobs with him? Did someone lose a bet? Well no, the joke was that the covers of magazines came to life and talk to Marshall as he’s heading to the bathroom, and these reality show losers were on a lot of covers at the time so they were the natural choice... WHY WERE THEY ON MAGAZINE COVERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? I don’t get it; I seriously don’t get the fascination with them. Maybe I just have too many brain cells remaining in my head.

How about Lauren Conrad? She voiced herself on an episode of Family Guy... what a fucking stretch. She couldn’t even play someone with a different fucking name, they just tried to make her sound smart and go with it. I’m sorry but making a reality star sound smart is a little like making Hitler sound like a Jew, it will never fucking work. I guess part of the blame could go to the family Guy writing staff but they write jokes based on what’s popular, it’s filled with pop culture references and right now reality TV is as pop culture as it gets. They were simply following their usual method of getting laughs and making a show... plus they are talented, they do things that these reality show hacks couldn’t do in a lifetime. Hell I bet half of them couldn’t even write a single joke that would make a child laugh.

All of these people could graciously hold their over-botoxed heads high on any list of the worst Reality offenders but without a doubt the worst offenders of this assault on celebrity is Jon and Kate.

First off we’ve all seen parents; there are no real surprises there. Take the kids out for a daytrip, take them shopping, change diaper, rinse, repeat. This is not a complex formula, how the hell did it manage to last so long? 6 full fucking seasons, 108 fucking episodes, 3 fucking years... there are so many quality TV shows that would kill for a run like that... maybe they should.

I actually watched an episode of this show and when I say watched I mean I was tied to a chair, my eyelids held open Clockwork Orange style and it was projected on the wall while I was forced against my will to watc. After going through this treatment every time I see the number eight I vomit. What the hell do these people do? They raise their kids, big fucking skill. If those kids had been in the circus and juggled chainsaws I might see the interest but no, nothing.

What’s worse is somehow they became worthy of celebrity status among other celebrities! To date Kate has been on Dancing With The Stars (I’m guessing the words stars is being used much much looser nowadays) and she appeared in the opening sketch at the 2010 Emmy’s. That one just hurt, I hoped that maybe I could watch the Emmy’s, enjoy actual stars and then go make a sandwich during the reality TV section but NOOOO, SHE GOT HER GOSSELIN IN MY GLEE!!! Now to be fair she was game to sing and dance on a stage, I give her a little credit for that... but not much.

The worst moment though, and it will haunt me for years to come, was watching Entertainment Tonight and seeing reporters asking actual celebrities on an actual red carpet what they thought about Kate Gosselin’s new haircut... I’m going to let that sink in because even I didn’t believe it when I watched it. I had to stay up till midnight for the daily rerun and record it and play back that minute and a half from hell over and over again just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t,they were showing celebrities on the red carper a copy of People Magazine who had done a front page story on Kate Gosselin’s new haircut and the celebrites were being asked what they thought about Kate’s new hairdo... next week they’re going to show Tila tequila getting a pap smear and Julia Roberts is going to give pointers. I mean seriously no one cares when actual celebrities get a haircut, why the fuck would anyone care that a no talent celeb like Kate got 4 inches cut off unless she went all Lorena Bobbit on Jon!

And guess what? Even Jon managed to hit the tabloids when he started going out after he divorced Kate. I’m sorry but I have to scream NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! I’ve consulted everyone and we’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a single person on the face of the earth that cares if Jon is managing to move on from his failed marriage. If anything we’re confused, we’ve seen pictures of Jon recently and we’re wondering what blind desperate dateless bimbo out there would touch him without demanding cash in advance let alone actually date him.

Why do we let these people become stars? We’re responsible for it you know, we watch this shit and yet we hate it. I’ve never met a single person who can honestly say they like watching these shows, they watch it because there’s nothing better on... well maybe if they watched actual scripted television there would be something better on!

And this isn’t to say I hate all reality TV shows, some can be good. I kinda like Biggest Loser, not because it’s entertaining but because damnit I need fitness tips and that’s a good place to start. I like watching Idol or X Factor because those shows are actually finding talented people who can actually perform. I’ve fallen in love with Scream Queens, as someone who wanted to be an actor it’s nice to see a contest where there’s a chance to be an actual movie star IF YOU HAVE THE TALENT! That’s all I’m asking for, actual talent on TV shows. Yes it’s more expensive for networks to put on scripted television, Big Brother might cost a little over a million buck but they get hundreds of episodes of TV for that investment and can sell advertising space at insane prices, it’s a fantastic investment and a simple way to make money... but that doesn’t make it suck any less.

I used to hope that if you had talent and worked hard that eventually someone would notice and give you a break... now I just have to hope that the next season of Big Brother lets me in the house so I can get those promised 15 minutes of fame... failing that, I’ll get a banana and start working on my blowjob technique, at this point I’m game for anything.