I’ve got a little list

Ahh lists, a staple of comedy... of course the problem I’m having right now is what I would call my list, I’d say it was New Rules but Bill Maher has that fucking phrase copyrighted and as my as I’d love to refer to this as a list of people who ought to be killed I couldn’t bring myself to even attempt to match the brilliance of comedy that George Carlin brought to us, even though he’s dead and therefore can’t do shit about it. So I’m just going to call this a list of things about the human race that need to change or just go away... title pending.

1. People over 21 who ride skateboards: I saw one of these people today while I was out and about, riding about the streets like it was cool... he had a bald patch. I’m sorry but unless you’re a professional skateboarder and you’re doing it for sport you have to hand in the skateboard, it’s a kids toy. I can buy it in Kmart right beside the stuffed toy Winnie The Poohs, you’re in the wrong age range and you need to try more grown up forms of transport.
2. Teenage males who think they’re rappers: Who hasn’t seen one of these idiots? Usually they’re annoying white teenagers with their pants halfway down their asses thinking that they’re cool... they’re not, they look like they ride the special bus. If you aren’t able to dress yourself properly you shouldn’t be allowed in public. And please guys do me a favour, talk like and actual fucking teenager and not Vanilla Ice OK? If I hear another teenage kid say Yo I’m going to punch him in the face yo’ hear?
3. Fashion Designers: If there was ever a more pointless idea than fashion I haven’t heard of it. You know what fashion is? It’s whatever the people who make the clothes say it is. They tell you it’s fashionable, you believe them, you buy what they tell you too and they up the prices by 40% in hopes of making money... and it works, it actually fucking works. You’d think that maybe someone would have realised that it’s all a marketing scam when David Jones sponsored their first fashion show but no, people still buy whatever they’re told and mock those that don’t. And they end up wearing the stupidest things I’ve seen in my life, honestly will people buy anything a supermodel tells them... why am I even asking, of course they will.
4. Guys who wear denim shorts: Again I saw this today and... oh I’ll say it, if you’re a guy and you’re doing this you’re gay. I don’t mean that as a derogatory term, I just mean you are a homosexual, no man can look masculine in a slightly longer pair of Daisy Dukes. Now I’m not saying you need to go away, I’m just telling you right now that this particular item of clothing is only acceptable during Mardi Gras
5. Anyone who shows their bellybutton and get’s upset when people stare: People are perverts, you’re giving them all a cheap perve when you wear something skimpy so if anyone looks at you for a while then you brought it on... and no I’m not saying they’re asking for (Insert sexual act here), no one is asking to be molested/raped/groped... I’m merely saying perving will happen and you’re going to need to live with it.
6. People who get offended when you look at them: I’ve actually been threatened by someone who thought I was looking at them... at the time I had my Ipod on, they were yelling from behind me repeatedly and they were approaching me and gesturing, how am I not supposed to look? Sometimes you’re going to do something stupid and I’m going to stop and look at you, grow up and calm down.
7. Anyone who get’s offended by the phrase “Your Mother”: You hear this one all the time in high schools, some 17 year old says “I fucked your mother” and a fight breaks out. But really think about it for a minute, usually the guy who says it is so annoying no woman would touch them willingly and you know your mother would never touch them. Even funnier is that most of the time this insult is used it’s used against 16-21 year olds, all of whom usually live in the same house as the mother in question. When I first heard this I realised this guy meant he had broken into my house without waking my dog, snuck through it in pitch black past my room to my mother who was in bed with my father, somehow fucked her without waking my father or anyone in the house, got out again past my room and without waking the dog, then left the house without leaving a trace... I explained this to the idiot that said it and they said “Yeah I’m that good”... someone just kill these people.
8. Anyone who asks me what sports team I like: The answer is none, and even if I had a team I am not going to tell you because honestly you look like a sociopath and I don’t know if you’re going to be violent to me or not.
9. Justin Bieber Fans: GET A FUCKING LIFE... and some taste in music but go with the life thing first.
10. Twilight Fans: GET A FUCKING LIFE... and some taste in literature but... actually skip the life, just start reading actually good books I beg of you
11. Anyone who demands an apology for a joke: I’ve seen this in Australia so often it scares me, First there was the Chaser boys who not only had to apologise for a sketch they did called “Make a Realistic Wish Foundation” but their show was pulled for 2 weeks and they became public enemy number one. Not only did the Prime Minister attack them (Without ever seeing the sketch) but I actually heard a woman on the news saying they should be shot... for a joke, GROW UP! Then there was Magda Szubanski making a joke about cyclists on Good News Week and sure enough cyclists got enraged, one even calling it terrorism (I’m not making that up, I’m not that fucking creative) and she ended up apologising... twice. Or how about when Robin Williams referred to aussies as English Rednecks... again the Prime Minister commented on it. Honestly people LEARN TO TAKE A JOKE! The amount of time people spend being offended by a joke is way longer than the joke itself stays in our memory. It’s a joke, normally they last for about 5 seconds at the most and then that’s it, they’re gone and we move on.

I’m not saying you can’t be offended by a joke, quite the contrary. Be offended but remember that someone else laughed and you shouldn’t try and make them feel bad for having a different sense of humour. I’m offended by everything on this list, and I’m making jokes about them and some might offend you and you’re entitled to that... but I’m not apologising, no one should for something that’s purely and simply a joke.